Blowze Tissue Company is a new novelty tissue brand disrupting an otherwise boring industry.
I worked with Blowze to write some funny slogans and crass catchphrases for their social media and web content. I also wrote these product descriptions and their company story.
Boring tissues? No thanks. Our new line will blow your mind and nose, one high-quality tissue at a time.
We're disrupting the tired, lifeless facial tissue industry with the latest in nose-wiping technology and eye-catching designs. Blowze combines ridiculously high-quality premium tissue paper with box designs that are simply works of art. They're perfect for cold and flu seasons, and for any other life issues that require tissues.
You deserve the best, so we’ve set out to wipe a smile onto your face when you need it most. You’ll find our ultra-soft, unscented 2-ply facial tissues just waiting to be pulled out of our personality-filled box, and eager to finally be united with your magnificent nose.
Take your pick of our many one-of-a-kind box designs with our exceptional tissues inside. Blowze Tissues. No more boring.
Bob, an astronaut famous for his courageous space explorations, was about to take off for Mars. Bob had packed everything he needed for the trip, but as he checked his carry-on one last time, something was missing: his Blowze tissues. The last time he forgot them, it really put a damper on the whole trip.
You see, Blowze tissues are not only aesthetically pleasing, but they helped him feel prepared for anything — even if "anything" was making contact with alien life forms. Bob suggested they turn on the turbo boosters, slingshot around the moon, and pick up a few boxes from the International Space Station.
Even with limited space for personal items, Bob considered these tissues mission-critical. Houston, however, did not agree that this was a problem.
"I can't leave without my tissues," Bob proclaimed. "It’s Blowze or bust!”
Long story short, he got his box, and of course, his mission was a smashing success.
Because as it turns out, you can, in fact, sneeze in space. We’re not going to get into specifics, but when a space cowboy like Bob is stuck in his space suit, he can’t actually blow his nose in time. So, for him, it's more about cleaning up afterward.
But ask NASA or something. We're here saving Earth one Blowze at a time.
Blowze Tissues is here to get your life back together — whether you’re fighting a cold, chopping onions, breaking up with your boyfriend, or watching that rom-com where the main character is breaking up with her boyfriend while chopping onions. With a cold.
The next time Jennifer Aniston has a minor misunderstanding that plays out across 90 minutes of high drama with an emotional turn of events that has you feeling all the feels, we’ve got you covered.
Yes, she could have asked clarifying questions, and he could have just not been a big, dumb idiot in the first place, but that’s how these stories go, right?
Whatever happens, we’re rooting for the character with a box of Blowze in their hands. That could be the protagonist or the quirky BFF. All that matters is that someone on screen is prepared to clear their sinuses with chic, literally mind-blowing tissues.
As the credits roll, you can look at this box and think, "Wow. Same, girl. I really didn’t think she’d get back with him either, especially after overhearing a few concerning seconds of one side of a phone call where he’s definitely shown to be a creep. But it does seem like things are turning around for her and for the tears streaming down my face. Thanks, Blowze!"
Are you tired of using low-quality tissues that leave your nostrils feeling rough and scaly, like our dragonhide? Then you need to try our new line of high-quality tissues.
Other tissues can leave your nostrils feeling like you're a fire-breathing dragon. We’d imagine there are better ways to embrace your inner reptile. What if you could capture your flame to soar high above the clouds?
Don’t be the princess in distress, waiting to be rescued. Don’t even be the dragon-slaying knight in shining armor. All you need is a box of Blowze tissues.
It's not a fantasy — these tissues solve all those problems, and you’ll look like royalty doing it. So why settle for low-quality tissues that leave your nostrils feeling rough and uncomfortable? Upgrade to our high-quality tissues and experience luxurious comfort fit for any castle.
You'll have a better experience than a medieval king. They didn't even have paper tissues back then — certainly not the magnificence of Blowze. Did they just grab the nearest tapestry? Did they have a guy for that? Was it the jester?! This is all too much. Just get yourself a box from the Ye Olde Blowze Shoppe and let it all out like our tissue-breathing dragon.
Blowze makes tissues you would steal from a hotel bathroom – if you weren’t already incredibly wealthy. That’s right; this paper doesn’t cost a lot of paper, but we know you wouldn’t be worried about that anyway.
These tissues are for those with a sense of style and smell, like art collectors and scotch sommeliers. They’re made for highly-regarded, distinguished individuals such as yourself. Guests arriving at your next dinner party won’t be able to miss this fine installation once they’ve looked past your multiple crystal chandeliers and that authentic Rembrandt. (Not the one in the cigar room, the other one.)
Even those of us who get around on private jets have colds and allergies sometimes. So until we create the cure for everything, you’ll want to stock up on Blowze tissues.
We’re not going to tell you what to do, but would you really not listen to someone wearing a monocle and a pocket square? Think about it. This gentleman has your best interests in mind regarding runny noses and your offshore account balances. This is no gamble. Invest in your future today with Blowze luxury tissues.
Do you like to think outside the tissue box? We’d hope so, but if you think inside of it, we’re very curious about how that’s going for you.
It must be like fitting a square peg into a round hole, trying to plug in a USB cable the right way, or feeling relief from those damn boring tissues.
When you’re done contemplating your existence and the inevitability of needing some soft, soothing tissues when you’re sick as hell, remember the brand that has your back. Side. We take these things very seriously.
Believe us — when it comes to quality and style, Blowze tissues are nothing to sneeze at. You sneeze IN them, silly.
Yes, we just said these are for those who think outside the box and then told you to sneeze in them. If these technicalities have you feeling a little confused, you can always refer back to this helpful Blowze Semantics Guide:
Sneeze INTO a quality Blowze tissue.
Do not sneeze AT these quality Blowze tissues.
Feast your eyes ON these stunning Blowze box designs.
Don't run OUT of Blowze tissues.
Keep Blowze tissues AROUND at all times.
You can buy Blowze tissues over THERE.
You need a box of Blowze tissues EVERYWHERE you go.
HERE, try these life-changing Blowze tissues.
See how helpful we can be?
Your nose is tired, not just because it’s been running all day. It’s the tissues. Your tissues are boring. Do you know what’s not boring? Blowze tissues.
These tissues are sick, bro. And not that kind of sick. Though they are suitable for being sick, they are also “sick,”… if you know what we mean. If not, we will direct any further questions to your medical practitioner. We do tissues, not heart transplants. (Yet.)
It’s not like we can predict the future or anything, but there’s a good chance you’ll need to wipe something off your face at some point in the immediate future. If you're impressed by that, you could start calling us Nostril-damus.
We have another prediction: you’re going to stock up on Blowze tissues and experience undeniable relief the next time you’re feeling ill. Runny noses and allergies got nothing on our exciting tissues.
If you don’t believe us, consider this: Nostradamus predicted a new world order in 2023. He prophesied that we’d experience an "end of times" followed by a new beginning. If that doesn’t sound like Blowze helping you to get over a cold or survive seasonal allergies, we don’t know what to believe anymore.
